CHICAGO, IL — As top Democratic political leaders and influencers gathered in the Windy City for the week, the Democratic National Convention dyed the Chicago River red to celebrate abortion.
The decision was made to make the river blood-colored for the party's convention as a striking visual to emphasize the Democrats' unending commitment to slaughtering defenseless babies in as large of quantities as possible.
"Turning the Chicago River blood-red is the perfect way to celebrate our party's national convention and remind everyone just how excited we get about killing babies," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "We're just bummed we couldn't use actual baby blood. Keep killin' those babies, folks!"
In addition to administering free vasectomies and abortions as part of the convention's festivities, Democrats confirmed that each night of the convention would begin with a ceremonial child sacrifice ritual. "It's important to maintain the deeply spiritual aspect," Harrison said. "Abortion forms the bedrock of what we are as a political party, so it only makes sense to showcase our celebration of killing babies in any way we can."
Officials said the red Chicago river would not only show the party's enthusiasm for baby murder but also serve as a visual preview of the tidal wave of communism the party would seek to usher in if Kamala Harris is elected. "We're all about the red," Harrison said. "The blood of innocent children… unbridled communism… bring on the red!"
At publishing time, city officials said they were unconcerned about the dyeing of the river since city streets have been running red with blood for years.
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