WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors about President Biden withdrawing from the presidential race continue to swirl around the nation, desperate Democrat leaders have recently resorted to listing a job opening for a new presidential candidate on LinkedIn.
According to the posting, the Democrats are looking for four things in a new candidate: ability to breathe, ability to form coherent sentences, a strong commitment to DEI and abortion, and a lack of being named "Kamala Harris."
"Yeah, things are getting a little tight around here, so we felt like we might as well go for the full-court press and use LinkedIn," said one Democrat staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I mean, it's not like we really have any other options, right? We're just hoping that this last resort works. Otherwise, we've just got nothing left."
Several Democrats have confirmed that the listing was inundated by applications, including several decent options like Jarack Bobama, Ramala Charis, Frammela Ferris, Garack Stomama, Handela Schmeris, and Camella Paris.
"We had to add a new requirement that all applicants would be completely prohibited from laughing, no exceptions," said the Democrat staffer. "Several of our interviewers passed away from the cackling."
At publishing time, Gavin Newsom and Gretchen Whitmer had been seen making LinkedIn accounts, though both still claimed to completely support Biden as candidate. Nancy Pelosi reportedly attempted to make an account but was unable to pass the reCaptcha.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
