MILWAUKEE, WI — With the excitement of the 2024 Republican National Convention still in the air, conservative attendees in Milwaukee and nationwide were thrilled to hear the news that former President Donald Trump was now selling official $250 golden ear bandages.
The new product was made available by the Trump campaign to conventiongoers this week, with the initial production run of the high-dollar golden ear bandage quickly selling out. A campaign spokesperson said the item was initially going to be a limited edition, but discussions were taking place about producing more due to high demand.
"It's the hot new accessory every MAGA voter wants," said Trump campaign marketing representative Tate Hunter. "Just like the golden sneakers that swept the world, our new golden ear bandages will allow people to show their support for President Trump like never before! You, too, can draw everyone's attention to your ear with a surprisingly large bandage — but this one's gold and it has ‘TRUMP' engraved on it! C'mon, people! What's better than this?!"
When asked to comment on the new piece of campaign merch, Trump expressed his approval. "Have you ever seen a more beautiful bandage, folks?" he asked. "There's nothing like it. I got my ear bandage the hard way. I don't recommend it. But you can have one of your own for only $250. And it's gold. Beautiful, shiny gold. Just like the bandage we're going to use to fix this country. It'll be a giant, golden bandage, and we're going to do it so quickly. But you can have one, too. And you don't have to get shot for it."
At publishing time, the Trump campaign revealed each $250 golden ear bandage would come with a small vial of stage blood so everyone could re-enact the iconic photograph from the shooting.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions