REDMOND, WA — Microsoft servers across the globe crashed Friday after Microsoft employee Greg Wilson, a Principal Software Engineering Lead, removed a USB device without clicking "Eject" first.
"Everything is down. Planes are grounded and people can't get on the Internet," Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella confirmed. "And it's all because of Greg!"
Management first became aware of the problem after a report from security that noted a USB alarm had gone off in Sector 12 where the Windows team works hard adding bugs to the Windows OS. After removing a USB stick without first clicking "Eject" all the mainframe servers promptly crashed.
"No, YOU FOOL! You've doomed us all!" Greg's coworker had cried out, but it was too late.
According to sources, Bill Gates called HQ later in the day to ask why his Microsoft Zune had stopped working and was livid to learn the problem was because of Greg.
At publishing time, Greg was reprimanded by his manager and demoted down to the Xbox division. "Ugh, but that's where all the dummies go!" Greg said.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
