WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of President Joe Biden's aggressive push to fight consumer junk fees, Democrat lawmakers have announced plans to raise taxes on consumers.

"We need the help of the American people," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We can't let these industries keep taking money out of people's pockets, so we're calling for new taxes to help the government solve this problem. We need the people to give us their money so we can keep them from having their money taken away."

Democrats say the new taxes will fund a brand new Federal Junk Fee Mitigation Task Force Enforcement Agency (FJFMTFEA), which will consist of 78,000 new federal employees tasked with rooting out all junk fees. "We believe we can fund this important government program by making the rich pay their fair share and also the middle class and the poor," said Sanders. "I'm compassionate and moral."

Democrats vowed to continue the fight. "We will not back down from this," said Nancy Pelosi. "We promise to keep raising taxes as much as necessary in order to make it so hardworking Americans can keep more of their money. We want you to stop getting squeezed by these ridiculous junk fees, and we're prepared to use many billions of dollars of the public's money to get it done."

At publishing time, the Biden administration was reportedly preparing a backup plan to save the American people from paying endless junk fees by simply making it so nobody in the United States had any money left to spend on any consumer goods or services.

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