SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After spending five minutes in the room with President Biden, President Xi Jinping made the call to go ahead and invade Taiwan.

"This has been very enlightening, now if you'll excuse me for a moment," said President Xi, stepping out of the room. "Oh man, that was so hard to keep a straight face! Woo. Okay, someone get me the army chief, it's a green light all the way."

According to sources, the meeting started off with President Biden offering to show President Xi how to use a fork. "Can you say 'fork'? We use these for eating here in America," explained Biden. "You'll find it so much easier eating your delicious General Tso's chicken with a fork than with those little sticks. Speaking of, would you like to hear me play 'Chopsticks' on the piano?"

President Xi graciously allowed Biden to play the piano before stepping out to make his call. "Yeah, we're good," said a chuckling President Xi to his Defense Minister. "Nothing to worry about here. Like, nothing. I have to go listen to some racist piano playing - will explain later, happy invasion!"

At publishing time, First Lady Jill Biden had called President Biden to see how his meeting with the "breakfast eggroll" was going.

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