SULLUST — After years of training to be a pilot for the Rebel Alliance, eager young pilot Nej Berik was devastated to discover he had been assigned to fly the totally lame B-wing fighter.
"I got the B-wing? Are you freaking kidding?" said Nej Berik, who had just finished his eight years of flight training. "Do you ever hear about any hero pilots who won a battle against a TIE fighter flying this piece of trash? No, because they're DEAD. Dang it, man."
While other new Rebel recruits received assignments flying highly sought-after X-wings and even the boring Y-wings, Berik knew being tasked with piloting a B-wing likely spelled the end for not only his chances of achieving glory in the annuls of the Rebel Alliance, but also, quite possibly, his life. "Every time I've been at the base seeing the fleet return from battles, I never notice any B-wings making it back," he said. "Like, not one. Why do we even have these suckers?"
When asked for comment, the leader of the Alliance fleet didn't sugarcoat it. "Yeah, the B-wings are totally cannon fodder," Admiral Ackbar said. "We literally make them decoys to fly around and get blown up to make the Imperials feel like they're winning. Yeah, the guys assigned to fly B-wings are screwed. If you ever get asked to fly a B-wing, just know -- it's a trap!"
At publishing time, as the Rebel fleet was making final preparations before it would deploy to the forest moon of Endor for a climactic battle with the Empire, the other pilots made sure to pay their respects to the soon-to-be-dead loser, Nej Berik.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
