Under Joe Biden, the FBI is laser-focused on hunting down the most dangerous people in the country, the worst of the worst. And now, they need your help! It is time for every American to do their part and keep a lookout for these horrendous villains, the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted:
- The sandbag that almost killed Biden: A Bourne-level assassin, but with no moral code.
- Teenage girl praying silently outside abortion clinic: Do not approach this dangerous criminal without SWAT team backup.
- The dad from Bluey: A non-stop fountain of heteronormative hate crimes. Lock him up!
- The invisible man who goes to all of President Biden's speeches, offers to shake his hand, but quickly pulls his hand away leaving Biden to look like a fool: The guy's like a ghost.
- Campbell Biology 101 Textbook, 11th Edition: Millions have been assaulted by its basic explanations of sex and gender.
- Flight of stairs: Has made several attempts on the President's life. Approach with caution.
- Your grandma: You may think she's sweet, but she's just one Ben Shapiro podcast away from storming the Capitol with crochet needles. Turn her in!
- Donald J. Trump: Subject to change on the off chance someone else ends up being Biden's election opponent.
- Mom who asked school board not to give porn to her nine-year-old: The level of barbarism is sickening.
- Jesus Christ: Rumored to be leader of a dangerous sect known as 'Christians'. Followers say He will return, so keep your eyes peeled!
You're unlikely to ever encounter a more terrifying group of miscreants in your life. But don't worry, the FBI is on the case to rid the world of these dangerous threats once and for all!
NOT SATIRE: Message from Kash Patel:
The FBI and Government Gangsters are undermining the United States and the America-First movement!
I launched the Kash Foundation to offer legal help to America First families like some from the Jan 6th witch hunts. I know what it's like because I was targeted by the DOJ when I led the Russiagate investigation for the House Committee and uncovered that the FBI was actively trying to sabotage Donald Trump.
My goal is to recruit 1,000 patriots to make a donation to the Kash Foundation. Will you be one of the 1,000 patriots brave enough to fight for victims of Government Gansters and support FBI whistleblowers? You can show your support by donating $10, $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or any amount today.
Kash Patel
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.