KYIV — President Volodymyr Zelensky breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning an attempted coup in Russia had failed, all but guaranteeing that war with Russia would continue, possibly forever.

"That was a close one," Zelensky sighed. "I mean — oh, that Russia! They're so bad! If only we had another 5 billion dollars! That'd show 'em!"

According to sources, Zelensky e-mailed Russian President Vladimir Putin shortly after learning the latter would remain in power. "Don't scare me like that," Zelensky wrote. "I need you."

"I've always needed you. You complete me."

Pentagon officials are reportedly unsure how to feel about the news. "It's great for our bottom line," said General Rancho Ricardo. "But I mean, Russia bad and all that, you know?"

In spite of the terrible news that more people would inevitably die as a result of Russia's continued invasion of Ukraine, Zelensky had been spotted laughing gaily while picnicking in Holosiivskyi Park with his family. "I think Putin and I are destined to do this forever," Zelensky said, smiling. "Please send money."

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