SEATTLE, WA — A man sitting in state prison for exposing himself to kids at a local playground is kicking himself that he didn't just wait and do it at a pride parade instead.
"Man, I'm so mad at myself!" convicted sex offender Lester Carlyle said in an interview with reporters earlier this week. "I'm sitting here serving time for lewd conduct toward minors; I should have just waited until June and then I could have exposed myself in front of tons of kids with absolutely zero consequences and their parents would have cheered me on!"
Carlyle said he didn't realize all he needed to do to escape legal trouble was throw on a feather boa and whip out his genitals in public in a pride parade.
"Dagnabit, I'm such a newb. Look at those other guys, waving their bait and tackle around in front of kids without a care in the world! If only I'd grabbed a pride flag that day I went to the park I might be eating lunch on the front lawn of the White House instead of in this dank jail cell!"
Carlyle said he plans on coming out as gay as soon as he gets out of jail and will be attending as many family-friendly pride events as possible. State leaders in Washington declined to comment on the matter, directing reporters instead to the state's "It's not criminal pedophilia if it happens during the month of June and the person doing it is queer" policy.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.