KYIV - President Zelensky has reportedly contacted the White House to arrange the return of Ben Stiller who was sent to Ukraine by mistake. According to sources, he had requested Will Ferrell via mail-order from America's stock of pandering celebrities.
"This is an enormous mistake," Zelensky told UN ambassadors. "Who is this Stiller? I want loud man-child with curly hair that makes the funny! My troops will accept nothing less!"
"Have you seen Elf? It is a modern Christmas classic!"
Ben Stiller was reportedly embarrassed by the terrible mix-up and offered to follow him around for a while and put together a documentary.
"I'm sorry, Volodymyr, but I'm also a director. Let me tell your story," Stiller said.
"Ha! No thanks, we've had enough Sean Penns for a lifetime. Leave me, Simple Jack!" yelled the enraged Zelensky.
President Biden reportedly blamed Putin for the shipping error. "The burden on our supply chain has disrupted our celebrity influence," said the president. "We ask our allies to remain patient as we work to end Putin's terrible influence on Hollywood."
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre took questions on the awkward meeting but could only confirm that she had no notes on the matter.
"I assume everything is fine," she said. "I'm a big fan of Night at the Museum."
The Hollywood actor, best known for his stint as a male model, posed for an awkward picture with Zelensky before leaving.
"You sure you don't want me to teach you Blue Steel?"
"MY PEOPLE ARE DYING!"
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: