Hey again, human who doesn't believe I'm real! It's me, Satan. I've been noticing something recently. All the humans I have run into for the past couple of millennia - we're talking billions of people here - have all been sinners. Every. Single. One! No matter how hard some of you bozos have tried, you keep failing in this hopeless endeavor to stop sinning. And yet, for some reason I can't fathom, there are still some of you who are out there working to 'overcome sin'!
Take it from your real friend, Satan: Your sin is not that big of a deal! Do you really think you're the only woman out there gossiping, or the only guy watching porn? Are you the only parents neglecting to spend time with your children so you can watch TV and play video games? Please. Plus, it's not like you're some dictator out there invading Ukraine. So what if you hold angry grudges against your family?
So, do the Lord of Darkness a solid and just give up. If it makes you feel better, use some cultural clichés to help the medicine go down, such as: You're perfect just the way you are! Be true to yourself! Or maybe you're one of those church types and need to couch it in some spiritual language. How about: God isn't judging you, so stop judging yourself! Jesus calls you to just accept and love yourself! You only need to repent of not being true to the person God made you!
Trust me, it will be so much easier. Allow me to be the little angel on your shoulder saying, "You do you!" Life is simpler when you just give in to your impulses and stop pretending like there is some external, objective standard you're supposed to adhere to. The only guide you need is the one already inside you, telling you what you want at each moment. You're the boss!
I must be off, we're putting on another production of RENT for the 1,873rd night in a row and I have to be sure all of Hell is in attendance. Hopefully, see you soon!
- Satan
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
