PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump was seen fleeing on a golf cart while shouting defiantly at federal agents today. Witnesses claim he led authorities on a daring chase that reached speeds of up to 30 Mph.
"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" Trump allegedly shouted before horrified golfers. "I'm smarter than the average president! Everyone says so!"
FBI Director Christopher Wray watched the pursuit unfold from the safety of his evil lair beneath the Hoover Building. Sources confirm he was unhappy that Trump was able to jump his golf cart off the roof of his home as agents knocked on the door.
"Ugh, this is why we need no-knock warrants," he later confided to a Chinese spy that had infiltrated the agency. Agent Wu agreed vehemently.
Trump reportedly did donuts on the eighth hole, maneuvering so expertly that federal agents crashed into each other. He then headed for the property's gates. "Let's try spinning. That's a neat trick!" he said as he launched off a ramp hidden by shrubbery and corkscrewed over a moat of alligators.
The FBI warns that Trump is still at large and extremely dangerous.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
