WASHINGTON, D.C.—As a vaccine enforcement squad closed in on him while wielding muskets, a defiant Senator Rand Paul leaped to a waiting schooner from the docks of the District of Columbia.
"You will always remember this as the day you almost vaccinated Senator Rand Paul!" he said gleefully as the ship sailed down the Potomac. "You'll never vax me alive, ruffians! Scoundrels! Uh... you..."
Paul quickly checked a pirate's dictionary he'd brought along with him.
"You scallywags!" Paul then shouted instructions at his aides to hoist the mainsail and "tack the jib," though it was difficult to get them to do anything as they snickered every time he said "poop deck."
Democrats had gathered at the docks to shout mean things at him for being an anti-vaxxer. "You're the worst senator I've ever heard of!" shouted an angry Nancy Pelosi, shaking a trembling fist at him.
"Yes, but you have heard of me!" Paul responded as he sailed into the sunset to do some piracy and possibly plunder some Bitcoin.