REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — First Lady (and real doctor) Jill Biden has confirmed she tested positive for COVID-19 after conducting her own extensive diagnostic assessment, which included hitting herself on the forehead with one of those rubber knee hammer things.
"Yep, it's official. I have COVID," Dr. Biden announced solemnly after hitting herself between the eyes with the reflex hammer. "Through rigorous scientific testing, including bonking myself on the head with the little hammer thingies that we real doctors all use, I have positively confirmed that I am suffering from this horrible disease. Rest assured, if I hadn't already received 17 vaccine injections and boosters, I would be much worse off than I am."
With notice of the First Lady's diagnosis rocking the nation to its core, she reportedly ordered President Joe Biden to resume his rigorous vacation schedule without her while she rested at home. Secret Service agents stayed behind to tend to her needs, having already stopped her from putting a thermometer up her nose in an attempt to take the temperature of her brain.
"My wife Jill will battle this illness with great dignity," President Biden said in a brief statement before hitting the beach. "And the American people can feel confident that there are other people to order me around and keep me from eating glue while she's recovering."
At publishing time, reports of medical personnel being urgently called to Jill Biden's bedside had been discovered to be a false alarm, with sources disclosing she simply needed help after strapping a blood pressure cuff around her neck.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
