NILES SPRING, IA—Terrified church-goers reached out to authorities on Monday saying that their worship leader Matt Kimber had gone drunk with power and had forced them to sit, stand, and sometimes join him in long meandering prayers for over 24 hours. It started on Sunday morning at Evergrave Community Church as Kimber began to play "Mighty To Save." "Let's all stand!" he called out as he went into the opening verse. The church obeyed. As the song ended he allowed everyone to sit, but soon after that, he commanded them to stand again. From there, the church was thrown into an endless madman's spiral of sitting and standing ad nauseam.
"At the height of it all, it was rapid-fire. Sit, stand, sit, stand, sit, stand," said church member Florence Garvey. "Oooh, my aching quads."
The only church members who were not affected by the mental breakdown were a few junior high kids who are simply too cool to be bothered with standing up. When thirteen-year-old Lily Vinton was asked why she had sat slumped in her chair staring blankly for the entire 24-hour service, she simply replied "Bruh," then looked at her phone.
There were also a few elderly members of the church who did not participate. "I can't do all that sitting and standing with my bad hip," said Florence Hillman, age 193.
Still, 95% of those in attendance found themselves sitting and standing as the sun went down and the moon rose up. "That's when Kimber lost it completely," said lead pastor Donn Dirk. "He was laughing so loudly, so violently, there was just spittle blasting out of his face like some kind of mucus shotgun or something as the full moon shot beams of eerie blue light through the skylights. And those eyes... those horrible yellow eyes."
Despite having gone clinically insane, Kimber continued to force the congregants to rise and sit with cruel rapidity. It wasn't until he started to slow down and lose his voice that church members were able to reach a phone and call for help. As authorities arrived, he commanded fire and rescue teams to sit and stand as well, but luckily he ran out of steam and collapsed shortly after.
"This whole disaster probably took a good year or two off of those pews," pastor Dirk lamented. He also told reporters that Kimber had tested positive for rabies and had to be put down.
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