WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, "We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China." Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.

Popular party attractions included the "There Is No Need For Iodine Pills" hay ride, and the "China Did Not Cripple Our Defenses With A Cyber Attack Moments Ago" corn maze.

When asked if America was currently being nuked by China, press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre replied with a succinct, "Well, umm, we'll have to, you know, that's not exactly how it's been perceived, because, with China and, help me Psaki where are you, the thing is, I'm a black, gay immigrant."

As if timed perfectly, an aide wearing a fluffy bunny costume jumped in front of journalists and pointed them toward the "No, Our President Did Not Eat The Nuclear Codes" carousel.

At publishing time, people reported objects flying through the sky that looked a lot like n —

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.