DAVOS — Members and invited attendees of this week's World Economic Forum's annual summit in Davos, Switzerland capped off yet another monumental event with the traditional virgin sacrifice to weather gods to prevent climate change.
The closing ceremony, complete with dancing natives and the chanting of ancient incantations, was met with a combination of reverence and celebration as the WEF's gathering of global powerbrokers offered up yet another young virgin to appease the climate gods.
"May the blood of this young woman grant us favor in your eyes!" shouted WEF Founder and Executive Chairman Klaus Schwab as the young woman ritualistically met her end. "Accept her soul as payment for our great sins against our planet and bless us with a year full of bountiful crickets and abundant mealworms. May the fate of a large percentage of humanity be the same as this virgin."
The WEF summit, which featured the usual mixture of high-level discussions among political and industrial leaders from around the world, bizarre displays, and cocktail hours featuring punch and Li'l Smokies, successfully mapped out the coming year of human existence before closing the week with the ceremonial virgin bloodletting. "It wouldn't be a WEF event without someone being sacrificed to the gods," said one proud attendee. "Praise be to Klaus Schwab and the deities who thirst for peasant blood."
At publishing time, following the conclusion of the sacrifice, attendees departed with their WEF gift bags full of fudge, body lotion, and detailed instructions on the roles they would each play in the further degradation of Western Civilization.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
