PORTLAND, OR — Microbangs owner Kira McKinley spent the better part of the week trying to figure out how everyone around her knows she has a lot of emotional baggage related to her relationship with her father.
"I don't get it," McKinley wondered. "How do complete strangers seem to know so much about me? There's no way I'm giving off ‘Daddy issue' vibes."
McKinley, who works at local indie coffee shop Brewed Awakening, has expressed confusion lately about why so many people around her assume she has a complicated relationship with her father considering she wears a completely normal dog collar necklace, black lipstick, and microbangs.
"I mean, I do have a stressful relationship with my dad. We don't talk a lot. He's a real straight arrow and wanted me to go into something sensible like graphic design or teaching. I showed him by majoring in Afro-musicology and Gender Studies and working full-time at this coffee shop. Look at me now, Dad!"
As of publishing time, McKinley's boyfriend Axel expressed surprise when someone asked if he has a strenuous relationship with his parents after he got his third "Screw Capitalism" tattoo.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
