OTTUMWA, IA — It's that time of year again when avid sports fans spend hours painstakingly making their predictions for the NCAA tournament so that a woman who can't distinguish between basketball and hockey can smoke their March Madness brackets.
According to sources, men at the office who are diehard college basketball fans agonized, filled out, and revised several March Madness brackets that will soon be completely demolished by Suzie, the receptionist who refers to slam dunks as "touchdowns."
"I just pick whichever team has cuter uniforms," Suzie said. "I don't really know anything about basketball, other than it being played on ice and there's a goalie and sometimes they throw their gloves down and get in fights. I just think it's fun to participate in the company bracket contest and enjoy the camaraderie. I mean, I did win $1000 with my bracket last year, but that was no big deal. I was just lucky!"
Suzie's male coworkers, who spend hours each day reading sports websites, listening to sports talk radio shows, and watching ESPN before bed, were adamant that Suzie's success hasn't bothered them. "No, it's totally fine," said Greg from accounting as he gritted his teeth. "I'm happy for her. She clearly doesn't have any clue about what she's doing and said she hoped the Yankees would go far in the tournament, but hey… I guess that's just the way things go. If she wins again, though, I'll probably jump off a bridge."
At publishing time, Suzie told her coworkers that, should she win, she would make it up to them by inviting them all over to watch a baseball game between the Packers and the Knicks.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
