Few jobs are as specialized and challenging as that of the church sound guy. Performing in such a pivotal role requires tremendous skill and is not for the faint of heart. Are you embarking on the wild and unpredictable journey of running sound at your church?
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following helpful guide to serving as a church sound guy:
- If you can hear the bass player, decrease his volume: Better yet, just never turn it up in the first place.
- If something goes wrong, just start turning random knobs and pushing buttons: You may have no clue about how to fix it, but you'll eventually hit the right button.
- During sound check, give the background singers a thumbs up as you slowly turn their dial down to an inaudible level: Nobody wants to hear them.
- Put up the lyrics for the next verse when it's halfway over: Time to see who the true Christians are who know the words.
- When the pastor says "Do we have that video clip ready?" let him hang out to dry for a good 45 awkward seconds: Let him know who's really in charge.
- IMPORTANT — Remember to switch your Spotify from your secular heavy metal Playlist to your church Playlist: The congregation may not be ready for "Master of Puppets" during communion.
- When they ask for more of themselves in the monitor, change nothing, and just keep asking "Is that good?": Don't worry, they won't know the difference.
- Be ready with the mute button in case a female tries to start preaching: QUIET, woman!
Memorize that list and you'll be well on your way to becoming an expert church sound guy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
