SEATTLE, WA — Amazon employee Emily Thomas began to wonder this morning if the company offering to pay to kill her child really had her best interest in mind.
"I just don't know if murdering kids to make female employees more productive is really what's best for women," said Mrs. Thomas. "Maybe I'd believe them more if they at least let us have bathroom breaks. But my boss always says, 'No potty break unless it's for an abortion!'"
After the Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, several major corporations announced large cash prizes for women who would still travel to obtain an abortion. "It's true that ultimately, paying women to get an abortion is way cheaper than paying for maternity leave or losing that employee should they choose to stay home with their kids," said Amazon manager Martin Solter. "Which is why here at Amazon, we are generously offering to throw in a free trip to Disney for each abortion our employees get! We will also be introducing a rewards program where women can earn even bigger prizes for getting multiple abortions."
In spite of the company's great generosity, women like Mrs. Thomas still had second thoughts. "I began to suspect Amazon's intentions when they also began offering cash bonuses to abandon any children you may already have," said Mrs. Thomas. "I'm just not completely convinced that's really what being 'pro-woman' is all about."
At publishing time, Amazon had announced they would also begin offering women free mastectomies, and incidentally would no longer allow employees breaks for breastfeeding.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
