NEW YORK, NY — Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this morning after it came to light that he was actually one of Ghislaine Maxwell's clients, and therefore protected from any consequences of his actions.
"We are so, so sorry for the embarrassment we have caused Mr. Kelly," said lead prosecutor Dean Baker. "We remain deeply committed to protecting the identities of the powerful men who used Ms. Maxwell's services to sexually abuse minors. We apologize to Mr. Kelly for the mistake and have booked him a nice trip to a private island as recompense."
While grateful for his quick release, Mr. Kelly reportedly plans to sue the state. "Yes, I absolutely participated in the trafficking and sexual abuse of young women over decades," said Mr. Kelly in a statement. "But hey, we've all agreed to just pretend that Ms. Maxwell trafficked girls to 'no one'. Since I am one of her clients, the state was never supposed to reveal my identity and ruin my good name."
Mr. Kelly had avoided telling prosecutors about his connection to Ms. Maxwell as his knowledge of the names in her book would put him at risk. "Obviously, the people on that list have the power to take you out if they think you might talk," said Mr. Kelly. "Which is why I'm getting on a plane right away and getting out of the country."
At publishing time, Mr. Kelly was seen boarding a private jet with a pilot named Hill R. E. Clintonovich.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
