Wokeness Added As New Fruit Of The Spirit

PORTLAND, OR—A coalition of progressive Bible scholars convened in Portland this week and agreed to add a new fruit of the Spirit to the biblical list in Galatians 5: “wokeness.”

According to the resolution, being “woke” is an essential part of being a Christian, and anyone who’s not on board with the social agenda and policies of the Left is not exhibiting the proper fruit of the Spirit in their lives.

“The collective fruit of the Spirit is now love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and being a woke social justice warrior,” Episcopal priest Heather Patterson announced at the closing of the conference. “There’s simply no way to call yourself a Christian if you don’t agree with progressives 100% on how society should handle issues of racial and social injustice.”

“They will know we are Christians by our wokeness, as the old song says,” she added.

Being woke isn’t without its pitfalls, however. The cohort of progressive evangelicals warned fellow Christians that their level of wokeness can be challenged at any time by someone who has done a better job at virtue signalling than they.

“Be on your guard, for fellow left-leaning social justice advocates prowl about like a roaring lion, looking for someone to call out for not being woke enough,” Patterson cautioned. “If you make one wrong move, we will eat you alive.”