BATTLEGROUND, WA - Progressive parents, eager to expose their children to new ideas that will in no way mentally or emotionally scar them for life, showed up by the dozens for this weekend's "Pennywise The Clown Story Hour" at their local public library. Throughout the hour, the harmless killer clown dazzled the audience with charming songs and dances and several short stories, and occasionally transformed into the physical manifestation of the children's deepest, darkest fears.
The "Clown Story Hour" started in the small town of Derry, Maine in 2017 but has since become a popular feature of libraries across the nation. Despite the enthusiastic support, several bigoted organizations have spoken out against the activity. Representatives from an alt-right, probably super-racist group called "Parents Against People Literally Kidnapping And Eating Our Children" have attempted to shut down the events. But they're obviously Nazis.
"Sure, there have been a few cases where it turned out Pennywise was involved in some minor kidnapping and child-consumption," explained Head Librarian Chris Nergon, "but those incidents have been few and far between, only occurring every 27 years, and pretty much everyone mysteriously forgets about it!"
Nergon hopes the event will spark positive cultural change and open-mindedness, grooming children to be more accepting of homicidal clowns. In fact, many of the books read during the story hour are selected to do just that: The award-winning children's book "Georgie and His Sewer Friend" teaches children the value of trusting strangers. "We All Float Down Here" uses clever metaphors to help children give in to their fears, and "The Paper Boat" introduces the concept of every child's eventual, inescapable demise.
Parents attending with their children went out of their way to demonstrate enthusiasm throughout the entire event. The children themselves seemed to have mixed responses.
"I like the part where his detached head stopped screaming 'You'll float too! You'll float too!'" said Bobby Herrington, age 7.