HOLLYWOOD, CA — Attention, moviegoers, Hollywood has done it yet again. Reports are filtering in that, once again, the new movie you're excited to go see this weekend features a female character who is somewhat competent and can do stuff and say things, proving that wokeness and progressivism are still running roughshod through the entertainment industry.
"We thought they would have learned their lesson by now," said entertainment reporter Merv Druggs. "We're seeing more and more movies featuring women who never faint and scream and never have to be revived by the kiss of a strong prince with rippling muscles. No one wants to see a competent female on screen. It's totally unrealistic."
Vincent Farino, a spokesman from the advocacy group Stop Hollywood Wokeness, agrees. "I'm so sick of the wokeness! Every movie, every TV show, everything — our entertainment is infested with this feminist garbage!" he said. "They think they can just sneak it in — chicks using power tools, running around, saying big words — it's ridiculous! Stop with your woke messaging, Hollywood!"
Farino maintains his suspicion that this is all part of an ongoing plot to have women take over all iconic, previously male film roles. "I even heard there's a woman in the new Indiana Jones movie," he said. "Like, she's just…there! Can you believe that? She's IN the movie! SOCIALISM!"
At publishing time, producers from all major studios were ignoring the outcry from Farino and others like him, continuing business as usual, defiantly casting actresses to play roles in movies portraying characters who do stuff and say things.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
