MOSCOW — A daring attempt by a group of WNBA players to rescue Brittney Griner was foiled when the keys to her prison cell were found to be hanging from a hook ten feet off the ground.
"Is this thing regulation?" said a frustrated Dearica Hamby as she jumped over and over in vain. "Ugh, it's so high! I knew we should have brought the mascot with his trampoline!"
The players hatched the plan for a raid after learning of Griner's nine-year prison sentence. "It's absolutely asinine that Brittney should serve jail time for drug possession. I mean sure, we do the exact same thing here in America, but that's no excuse," said coach Becky Hammon. "If Russia won't do the right thing and use Brittney to secure the release of a notorious arms dealer, then we're going in to get her!"
The WNBA players found gaining access to the jail far easier than anticipated. "Frankly, no one seemed to notice us whatsoever," said Ms. Hamby. "It was eerily like playing in a WNBA game. Everything with our plan seemed on track until we ran into that ten-foot-tall key hook. Those darn Ruskies were ready for us."
At publishing time, the players were planning another attempt with three WNBA players stacked on top of one another in a trench coat.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!