U.S.—Men across the country are finally able to get some work done at the office this week, as their progressive female co-workers are out protesting for abortion rights.
"Thank God—finally some peace and quiet around here," said local inside sales manager Chet Biggins while emptying his inbox. "I've never been more productive in my life!"
Experts say that while some women are taking days off work to attend pro-choice rallies, other women are absent due to the massive "Roe v. Wade is DEAD" parties they are throwing at home. With the nation's offices emptied of all women, productivity has skyrocketed.
"Unfortunately, bigotry and sexist humor have also skyrocketed since we left the office," said local HR Manager Sandy McSnootby. "We need women to get back in the office ASAP to monitor the behavior of these men and stop by their desks constantly to chat and interrupt them and start drama and make sure they are using their correct pronouns and make sure someone is cleaning the microwave."
At publishing time, sources confirmed every office in America now smells like body odor, and all the plants are dead.
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!