COLUMBUS, OH—In response to growing concerns over celebrity election meddling, several states have introduced voting machines with new technology that will immediately discard your ballot if it determines you are voting because a celebrity told you to.
"We are extremely concerned about celebrity influence in this election," said Ohio Secretary of State Frank LaRose. "According to several authoritative studies, celebrities are literally the worst. We can't allow our future to be determined by celebrities or anyone insane enough to listen to them."
Polls have shown that there are actually a few people out there who rely on celebrities like Mark Ruffalo and Sarah Silverman to remind them to vote in each election. There are others who rely on reminders from Facebook or the Google homepage to get them to the polls.
"These people actually need to be nagged by celebrities to vote every year. Words cannot express how incredibly dangerous these people are," said LaRose.
The new voting machines will begin by asking you a series of questions to determine possible influence by Hollywood degenerates, such as:
- Are you doing this just so Mark Ruffalo and Josh Gad will put their clothes back on?
- How smart do you think Taylor Swift actually is?
- How many hours of YouTube did you watch last year?
- Do you pay income tax? Do you know what that is?
- Do you value the political opinions of any prominent K-pop artists?
- Please write a paragraph in your own words describing what you think of Cardi B.
- Do you find celebrity PSAs shot in black and white to be inspiring?
If the machine determines you have been influenced in any way by celebrities or Big Tech, it will thank you for your time and then automatically shred your ballot into tiny pieces. Experts are hoping this new voting technology will reduce the detrimental effect of celebrities on democracy and culture.