WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's resurgence reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump announced a plan to attack the British and Prussian forces at Waterloo, effective immediately.
The announcement of the new offensive came on the heels of President Trump boldly declaring on social media over the weekend that "He who saves his country violates no law." Trump reportedly declared the Waterloo attack while posing for an oil painting with one hand tucked into his jacket.
"It's like I always say, folks. Victory belongs to the most persevering, it really does, when you think about it," Trump said according to one insider. "We will march to Waterloo. We will take the fight to the British and the Prussians. And we will be victorious. Just remember to never fight uphill, me boys."
Trump, who was seen wearing a bicorne hat around the White House today, had grown increasingly intent on displacing the British Empire from its perch on the global stage, going so far as to ask his military advisors for strategies to disrupt British trade routes to India. "The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos," Trump reportedly said. "The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemy's. We will have the biggest, most beautiful victory. It will be so tremendous."
When one aide pointed out that this type of move had never been attempted in America's history, Trump rebuffed the notion. "History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. A wise man once said that. Now it's even better when I say it."
At publishing time, Trump had asked the White House chef to exclusively serve Napoleons as dessert for every meal from now on.
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