U.S. — In an afternoon press conference, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi proudly announced that the man responsible for Microsoft OneDrive had been arrested, ending an almost 20-year-long reign of terror that affected millions.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm happy to say we got this scumbag," said Bondi to applause from everyone in the press room. "No longer will victims be forced to interact with this disgraceful excuse for a piece of software. It's over."
Sources disclosed that, as she spoke, millions of computers around the world immediately began performing much better.
"Wow! I didn't know my computer could be so fast!" said one user. "I can actually click things on the screen and get an instant response! I'm so thankful that I no longer have to deal with this buggy pile of garbage forcing itself on me again and again, no matter how many times I try to turn it off. Thanks, Trump!"
The DOJ confirmed they were pursuing several other persons of interest in the case, including Bill Gates and an Indian coder named Chintu Bumbrah. Authorities promised to continue pursuing the case until all criminals responsible for OneDrive had been brought to justice.
At publishing time, the DOJ's case faced a setback after all of its case files had been inadvertently deleted by OneDrive.
Liberal Brynnleigh travels back to 1933 Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity.
