SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Against all logic, a local wife somehow avoided feelings of unbridled passion after her husband sat her down to listen to a podcast of Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson talking in depth about sex.
"I just don't get it," said husband Matt Olson. "I even lit a bunch of those little candles she loves before I played the entire interview for her. Shapiro and Peterson really getting into the weeds about sexual boredom -- How did that not light a fire?!"
For her part, Matt's wife Tessa said she thought the discussion was interesting but didn't exactly "put her in the mood".
"When Jordan Peterson said, ‘I think what women want are novel displays of hypergamous capacity', it made me want to turn the lights on, not off," explained Tessa. "I don't know what the heck that means. Do I want to? I don't know. I genuinely enjoy listening to Jordan Peterson, and maybe after consulting a dictionary would love to converse about his points, but this wasn't quite what I was expecting when Matt said he had something special in mind for us tonight."
As of publishing time, an undeterred Matt had planned to bring out the big guns and show Tessa a clip of Jordan Peterson discussing lobster mating.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
