INDIANAPOLIS — A surprise late entrant, former President Donald Trump absolutely dominated the NBA Dunk Contest after strapping on a pair of his brand-new sneakers known as the "Never Surrender High Tops".
A sold-out crowd sat in stunned silence as Trump laced up the golden sneakers and made his way to half-court, limbering up for his first jam. The 77-year-old dribbled toward the key, then as the crowd held its breath, Trump exploded airborne into a physics-defying 360-degree spin, finishing with a thunderous windmill slam. The arena erupted into deafening cheers as Trump straightened his tie, then flipped the ball to a dumbfounded contest judge Shaquille O'Neal.
"Jammed it home, just like I said," said Trump as the crowd snapped pictures. "Not bad for a warm-up dunk! Just getting started, believe me. Look at these high tops, beautiful and gold, they're so comfortable. We're going to win big tonight, big and comfortable, just like November!"
Despite the best efforts of Celtics guard Jaylen Brown and Orlando Magic guard Mac McClung, the NBA's best were simply no match for the former President. Trump dazzled with his second dunk, a Blake Griffin-Michael Jordan mashup of floating near horizontal after leaping from the free throw line. Finally, Trump clinched a runaway victory with a ridiculous, blindfolded alley-oop to himself off the backboard, complete with a behind-the-back move and a full front flip.
At publishing time, Trump had stopped by the World Track and Field Championship and set a new world record in the 100m dash while wearing his "Never Surrender High Tops", becoming a veritable blur of golden patriotism.
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