BLUE SPRINGS, MO — A family was brought to the brink of tragedy today as a local woman began making funeral arrangements for her husband when he failed to respond to her text message within 13 seconds.
"I could only assume that something horrible had happened and that he was clearly dead," said Ashley Jones. "That's the only logical explanation for him not responding to me immediately."
Ashley's husband, Michael Jones, was hard at work at his shop and was unaware that his wife had sent the initial text message and the 15 others that frantically followed in a span of 45 seconds. "I thought I heard my phone buzz, but I just wanted to finish up what I was doing real quick," Michael said, clearly not understanding the cruel sorrow he had just inflicted on the love of his life.
Phone calls were immediately placed to the local police department to request a welfare check, followed quickly by additional calls to the family's life insurance provider, several funeral homes, and Costco to inquire about purchasing a casket.
"I was just about to provide my credit card number to make a down payment on the gravesite when he finally texted me back," Ashley said. "But that was at least five minutes after I originally texted him. I was so relieved to learn that he hadn't died."
At publishing time, Ashley was deliberating whether she should work on getting a refund on the down payments she had made and cancel the casket order, or simply wait until the next time she would assume Michael was dead due to not answering his phone on the first ring.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
