BEAUFORT, SC — Local soon-to-be-deceased man Cade Rollins asked a friend today why on earth he should buy his wife a Mother's Day present when she isn't his mom.
"Our three children can do something for her. She's their mom, not mine," explained Rollins, who now had 23 hours to live. "It would be totally illogical for me to do something."
According to sources, Rollins dutifully drove to a Hallmark store to purchase a card and a modest trinket for his actual mother, Helen. "Aw, is this for your wife?" asked the cashier as she scanned his card. "Uh, of course not. My wife is not my mom," replied Rollins. "Why do people keep asking me this? It's asinine," thought Rollins, who fortunately had his life insurance policy up to date.
Kai Patel, a friend of Mr. Rollins, attempted to explain the situation to no avail. "Look, if it's 'Secretary Day', I wouldn't buy a card for someone else's secretary," explained Rollins calmly. "That would be so dumb. Trust me, my wife is not so irrational."
At publishing time, Patel had sadly bid Rollins a final good-bye and asked if he could have his fishing stuff when he's gone.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
