NEW YORK, NY - Whoopi Goldberg again made waves after publicly questioning why America should care about the war in Ukraine since it's "just two groups of white people" duking it out.
"Genocide? How could this possibly end up being genocide? They're all white!" said Ms. Goldberg as her co-hosts nodded in unison. "Has anyone seen a picture of the Ukrainian army? How about the President and his cabinet? Not even a suntan. Now I educated myself, and I realize now it was wrong to dismiss the Holocaust because it wasn't just white people involved - there were also Jews. I also learned that not all Jews are white! But look, there are no Jews over in Ukraine, so this is exactly what I thought the Holocaust was: a bunch of white people killing each other. I say, let them at it!"
Joy Behar nodded ferociously, still furious that the invasion had delayed her Russian River cruise. Barbara Walters started to say that she thought the Ukrainian president was Jewish, but her face once again froze in place. A producer quickly moved the program to commercial before downing a bottle of Prozac and calling Colbert to once again book Ms. Goldberg.
At publishing time, Ms. Goldberg had issued yet another apology for calling Kennedy's assassination a "silly disagreement among white people."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
