WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite suburban white women demurring from widespread Republican support in the 2020 election, new polling estimates a 25%+ increase in this key demographic's projected support for conservatives in the upcoming midterm elections. This definitive pivot has caused widespread panic for Democratic operatives and candidates who are unsure of how to combat their opponents' full rebrand to "Pumpkin Spice Republican Party."
"We believe this delicious flavor and image upgrade will help us shore up our chances in both the House and the Senate – these gals won't be able to tick a boring ‘D' at the ballot box when they have the irresistible ‘R – Pumpkin-Spice-Style' to choose." Senate Minority Whip John Cornyn droned out the announcement to his fellow Senators while revealing the planned Fall-themed rebrand on a large sign board, eliciting muted grunts of approval from his Pumpkin Spice Republican colleagues and causing the three TV viewers who had accidentally left C-SPAN2 on to wake up and adjust the channel.
Louisiana Senator John Kennedy spoke to FOX News host Tucker Carlson one day after the polling data shocked the nation, elaborating on the "Pumpkin Spice Shift's" rationale and implications for down-ballot conservatives. "I'll tell ya what, Tucky, where I come from in the down-home South, we know a few things about our white suburban women: they like their Roombas, they like their infinite Target returns, and they like their pumpkin spice – or as we call it in Louisiana, ‘punkin spice' – and now they like Republicans too."
The down-home charm and folksy anecdote elicited an abrupt cackle from Carlson, followed immediately by his facial flatlining back into his signature intent listening face when Kennedy launched into a wide-ranging illustration about how pumpkin spice is "like ‘gator catnip for them white suburban ladies."
At publishing time, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was heard asking why everyone was so worried about Suburbans since she drives a Tesla.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.