WASHINGTON, DC — The White House has delivered an official statement reassuring Americans that Biden is not hampered from doing his job in any way whatsoever by his recent flare-up of rigor mortis.
Official White House sources say that Joe Biden "gets along just fine," despite suffering from the stiffening of his limbs which is most frequently associated with the fourth stage of death.
"President Biden is completely capable of completing all of his duties," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, standing in front of President Biden, who appeared to be propped up against a wall. "Having rigor mortis has no effect in any way upon his ability to lead America, and any claims of his being completely stiff due to his soul having left his body to enter the afterlife in the Great Beyond are simply right-wing conspiracy theories."
When asked for comment, several medical practitioners shrugged and mumbled something incoherent about there being a "difference between all dead and mostly dead." When pressed for details, one noted that "when they're all dead, the only thing you can do is go through their pockets and look for loose change."
At publishing time, President Biden had refused to verbally comment on his own health, but he did remain in the exact same position in the press conference for 45 minutes without visibly blinking or breathing before White House staffers came to take him away.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
