WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate's qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.
While Karine Jean-Pierre has been doing a "fine" job of deflecting questions and telling everyone things are great when they are clearly not great, the White House said they wanted to make sure their press secretary "just straight-up lies about things being fine 100% of the time." The obvious choice was the This Is Fine Dog of internet meme fame.
"Mr. Dog, what about record inflation with no end in sight?" asked Peter Doocy at the This Is Fine Dog's first press conference earlier this afternoon. "What are Americans supposed to do when they can't afford basics like food, housing, and gasoline?"
"This is fine," said the This Is Fine Dog in response. He immediately received a standing ovation by the reporters gathered. He raised his paws to settle down the crowd and then said, "This is fine."
At publishing time, the This Is Fine Dog was fired after it was discovered he is not a gay woman of color. He has issued a statement assuring everyone this is fine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
