MENLO PARK, CA — A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human.
"Remember to blink every 5-10 seconds," reads the section On Talking To People. "Vary your intonation, but strictly avoid singing. Move your hands periodically in a somewhat rhythmic fashion to show that the rest of your body is connected to your verbal output."
Despite the clear source markings, Facebook is thus far disputing the authenticity of the manual. "It is simply ludicrous to think I would need instructions on things like how to react when someone tells a joke," said Mr. Zuckerberg, blinking precisely every 7.5 seconds. "I would never mistake a simple joke for being dangerous misinformation! What a silly thought. Listen to me laugh about it, ha-ha-ho!"
According to sources, the White House has re-purposed portions of the manual to help President Biden also appear like a functioning human adult. "It really was very helpful," said a White House aide on condition of anonymity. "We just went through and added the word 'YOU', then printed them out on postcards. The part on how to act in a human restroom has really saved us a lot of international incidents."
At publishing time, the perpetually awake Mr. Zuckerberg was dutifully laying still in his bed for exactly eight hours, as humans are supposed to do.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.