Time flies! One moment you're a kid consuming copious amounts of top-tier Christian entertainment content, and before you know it, you're middle-aged with a spouse, some kids, and a mortgage. Whatever happened to all those beloved Christian personalities from your childhood?
The Babylon Bee has tracked down the following Christian celebrities from childhood to find out what they're up to now:
- Michael W. Smith: Still going west, despite no longer being a young man.
- Bob the Tomato: Working at a Dollar General in rural Virginia.
- Psalty the Song Book: Lost his job to some hotshot video projector. Last seen heading for a Reformed church hoping for a fresh start.
- Buttercream Gang: After moving to L.A., became involved in nasty turf war with the Bloods. Ultimately left gang life to open chain of Italian restaurants.
- McGee: Died of a drug overdose in 2008.
- Power Team: The guys who ripped phone books for Jesus are still spreading the Gospel, now by tearing menus in half at Denny's.
- Five Iron Frenzy: Communist atheists.
- Derek Webb: Gay communist atheist.
- Phil Vischer: Not a gay communist atheist yet. Check back next year.
- Michael Tait: Defeated former Newsboys frontman Peter Furler in hand-to-hand combat, thereby becoming their new leader.
- Donut Man: Convicted of using a donut shop as a front to run a massive money laundering scheme.
- Junior Asparagus: Jailed on drug charges.
- Joshua Harris: Kissed Christianity and then civil society goodbye, taking up residence at a national park in rural Washington.
- Toby Mac - Still living in Extreme Days, coming at you like a (now slightly arthritic) whirlwind.
- Bible Man: Rebooted as a black woman.
- Kevin Sorbo: The Hercules actor fell into a period of anonymity before appearing in a couple of videos by a Christian satire outfit known as "The Babylon Bee".
- Kirk Cameron: Arose to become king of the old guard of Christian celebrities, though that title is purportedly disputed by Kevin Sorbo (they can arm wrestle for it).
Who would've guessed? Let us know the whereabouts of any other childhood Christian celebrities that we missed!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
