HINESVILLE, GA - The Coronavirus pandemic ended suddenly this week, but all the Christians who said they'd come back to church when it was over are still absent. Pastor Nathaniel Pewston reportedly thought this new development was "weird and also dumb. And stupid."
When Pastor Pewston delivered his sermon on Sunday he was expecting the pews to be packed with long-absent brethren, but he instead found himself face to face with the same ten people he sees every week.
"There are no more mask mandates. We're allowed to actually sing. Even the media has given up on COVID," said Pewston, straying from his prepared lesson.
"Where is everybody? Where is the Benson family? Where are the Flemings?"
"I'm still here," said church deacon John Gardner.
Eyewitnesses allege Pewston rolled his eyes and then changed the subject, returning to his previously prepared lesson about Christian martyrs who refused to abandon the church even though they were being tossed into the Roman Coliseum to be flayed by a gladiator and eaten by lions.
Church volunteers attempted to contact absent members following the sermon but were unable to reach anybody directly. Sarah Jones, one of the ever-present ten, caught sight of an unmasked Raymond Fleming who had been absent from the congregation for two years, but he dodged a conversation by immediately running toward oncoming traffic. Fleming was reportedly clipped by a jeep but never looked back.
Jones later described the scene to her husband. "He must not have seen me," she said. "Weird."
Despite his frustration Pastor Pewston is hopeful that maybe next week more of his flock will return. "I'll give 'em two weeks - just like the government gave us," he said.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.