Brought to you by: My Patriot Supply
So, you've heard all about the many jobs opening up in the Secret Service after the Trump Rally Debacle -- but do you have what it takes to be an elite guardian for the highest-ranking public servants in the nation?
We at the Babylon Bee have compiled a list of the 12 requirements that Secret Service recruiters are looking for. Do you measure up?
Ability to navigate deadly 5-degree roof pitch: Not for the faint of heart.
Can holster a gun in under sixty seconds: Bonus points if you can get it in four tries.
Able to avoid getting distracted by people screaming, "Hey, there's a guy with a gun on the roof.": Focus is key.
Be less than 5'6" tall: Must be able to easily hide behind the President.
Able to do at least two girl push-ups: Only the strongest can make the cut.
Already owns sunglasses: The Secret Service is on a budget, after all.
Can identify the most likely places for assassins to shoot from: Not to guard them, mind you. That's just what they would be expecting!
Willing to shield the president with your body after he's already been shot: Patience is critical.
Vision between 20/20 and 20/1,000: Just run in the direction of the screaming.
Can pull off a 360-degree no-scope sniper headshot: While playing Call of Duty: Warzone, that is.
Skilled at taking pictures of assassins setting up their shot: They will be very helpful later in seeing where the bullets came from.
Ability to distinguish serious threats: Like a grandma with a small American flag as opposed to a non-threat like a crazed loner holding a rifle on top of a nearby building.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and send in that application!
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