SINAI — As they wandered the wilderness, the Israelites brought complaints to Moses about their lack of food, water, and the guy who kept saying, "At least we're getting our steps in!"
"Isn't this great, guys?" Eldad asked, oblivious to the lament of his fellow Israelites. "I'm topping the leaderboard of all the Fitbit friends I have back in Egypt. Totally smoking those guys!"
And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, but mostly about Eldad because he was excruciatingly positive.
"Would that Eldad had been left back in Egypt!" cried out Emma, the maid. "Why did you save him, Moses? I want answers!"
At another time Eldad said, "Look at it this way, guys, we're getting so much exercise. I eat all the manna I want and don't put on a single pound!"
Upon reflection, Eldad also noted how great it was that he could spend so much time with everybody. "I didn't get to see half of you while I was busy making bricks. We had no time to talk. Ah, this is so great!"
At publishing time, the Spirit of God rested on Eldad and he prophesied in the midst of the camp, possibly as a credit to his positive attitude. But this just annoyed everyone even more.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
