WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise press conference in D.C. today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki—completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason—announced that Kamala Harris is extremely likable and very good at her job and everything is just fine.
"I am proud to announce to you today that Vice President Harris is not unlikable in any way. She is also not terrible at her job," said Psaki. "That's all I really came up here to say. She also has a great relationship with President Biden. Oh, they laugh and talk for hours! I just wanted to take this time to announce that she's doing important work and is in no way doing a sub-par job and everyone loves her. Isn't that great?"
Some anonymous sources within the White House are expressing concern that VP Harris's approval numbers are falling at a rapid pace and are on track to collapse in on themselves like a dying star within days.
"Such concerns are unfounded, and today's announcement is completely unrelated to that anyway," said Psaki. "I just felt compelled to come up here and give this unsolicited announcement about what a great job VP Harris is doing, and it was in no way prompted by VP Harris after cornering me in the bathroom and screaming at me to get her poll numbers up. Nothing like that happened at all."
Several hands in the press pool shot up after Psaki later went on to announce that Biden is still very much alive.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.