ENCINITAS, CA - Local man Kelly Kirton is from California, and, according to friends and family, he won't shut up about it.
"Yeah, back in Cali, we've got great weather," he told his friends in Ohio while visiting them last week. "Bro, you've got, like, snow coming from the sky. That's, like, wild, dude! I don't know if I mentioned it, but it's like 80 degrees right now back home."
"Did I mention I'm from California?" Kirton then went on to describe how his home state has beaches, desert, forests, mountains and fantastic weather. "I can't remember if I said that before. It's just that here, it's cold, while back home in SoCal, it's, like, totally hot right now. Just perfect weather."
His friends then took him out to a Mexican food restaurant, and Kirton couldn't help but remind them that he's from California, which has fantastic Mexican food. "Oh, man, these aren't tacos," he said. "I'm tellin' ya, man, like, you haven't had tacos until you've gotten them from a seedy little taco truck in downtown SD, bro. Ah, man. It's like, heaven." The host at the Mexican restaurant shot him a nonplussed look. "Oh, I'm sorry, señorita, I haven't told you yet - I'm from California."
Kirton then explained how in California, you can surf in the morning and snowboard in the afternoon, in case you'd ever have a need to do that for some bizarre reason. "You could hit Bolsa Chica early when it's all glass no chop, then zip up to Big Bear and shred some sick gnar. Can't do that here in - what state are we in, again? Ohio? - Yeah, here in Ohio. Which isn't California. Which is where I'm from, if I hadn't mentioned that yet."
At publishing time, Kirton had reached out to clarify that he's from California, in case we didn't know.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
