RICHMOND, VA—Virginia Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, as the Jussie Smollett hoax has taken the media’s eye off of their political trainwreck, sources confirmed today.
Both Governor Ralph Northam and the state's attorney general had drawn ire for racist photographs and blackface, while Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax has been facing a number of sexual assault scandals. The governor had also caused controversy with statements that appeared to support infanticide.
But then, "a miracle happened": actor Jussie Smollett received a threatening letter from Trump supporters – a letter that he apparently helped author. When his fake letter didn’t bring about the desired media attention, he upped the ante by staging an attack on himself. Since he was unable to find any real Trump supporters that fit into his “white, bigoted, and violent” narrative, Smollett allegedly paid two African-American men to dress in MAGA hats and pretend to assault him at 2 a.m. during a historic cold front in Chicago.
Investigators were immediately suspicious, mainly because no Trump supporters have actually heard of Jussie Smollett, much less do they watch his show, Empire. Police also said it was highly unlikely that any Trump supporters would be in Chicago in the first place. Fortunately for the politicians caught in various scandals, the resulting fallout from this hoax has drawn the public’s attention away from the Virginia Democrats as they seek to salvage their hold on high political office.
In a joint statement released by Northam, Fairfax, and Herring, the three men said, “We offer our most sincere thanks and praise to Mr. Smollett for allowing our careers to remain intact and for giving Democrats continued control of Virginia’s highest positions of public trust. We owe you big time, Jussie!”
Gov. Northam has used the distraction to take a much-needed vacation: he has reportedly absconded to Las Vegas where he is viewing the Cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson show at the Mandalay Bay Casino. “I want to compare their dancing skills to the moves that I showed off when I dressed in blackface for a med-school party”, Northam told reporters. “Thanks to [Jussie] I was able to moonwalk out of this political catastrophe."
"You might call me a... smooth criminal!" he added. He then attempted to moonwalk but was stopped by his wife.