NEW YORK, NY—In a massive coup for the clothing giant, Victoria's Secret stunned the fashion world today by announcing they will no longer use thin models and will instead use the fattest woman of all time: your mom.
"When you are seeking to redefine the very meaning of the word sexy, you swing for the fences," said CEO Janet Daniels. "And we found an absolute heifer: your mom. Honestly, she's so big, she plays pool with the planets."
The crowd of reporters then all started hooting and hollering, shouting, "DAAAAANG!" and "YOU JUST GOT MOTED, SON!"
Your mom has been slated to make her first runway appearance at the Paris fashion show, in which she is expected to be displaying Victoria's Secret new, extremely large line of lingerie -- we're talking like big enough to be an Army parachute. OH, DANG! BURNED!
"I feel like I've been training my whole life for this," said your mom in a press conference, which had to be held in a giant outdoor football stadium to hold her. She then modeled the first piece of clothing in the Your Mom Collection by Victoria's Secret, walking out on the runway in high heels but walking back in flip-flops. OOOOOOOOOH!!!
At publishing time, Victoria's Secret had confirmed that future catalogs will have to be printed on extra-large drafting paper to fit your mom.