Vatican To Begin Accepting Competitor Baptisms
World · May 20, 2016 ·

VATICAN CITY - In another example of its recently-adopted "customer centric" business model, the Vatican announced Friday that it would begin taking competitor baptisms effective immediately - a move that is sure to cement the global chain's dominant market position.

"Sprinkle, dunk, splash, Presbyterian to Methodist to Baptist - even Mormon," said Papal Spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi at the press conference. "This is just another way for us to deliver convenience our customers."

Fr. Lombardi says the Roman Catholic church, hoping to making the switch easier for those currently in contract with a Protestant denomination or another church or sect, will honor any baptism through its online "CatholicismSaves" customer discount program. Additionally, submitting any competitor baptism will be worth an automatic entry into the Vatican's upcoming "Come Home Sweepstakes," where one lucky winner will win a Treasury of Merit shopping spree, plus an exclusive offer of absolution.

While accepting competitor baptisms is new to the Vatican, the push for savings-friendly programs isn't. Last year, Pope Francis announced the Church would match or beat the penance assigned by any Orthodox Church, which was followed by its popular "One Confession For The Whole Year" promotion.

While the Vatican admitted that the new push is yet to be fully embraced by some of its more conservative officials, they maintain that the new "customer first" approach is the way forward for long-term shareholder value.

"Come on down to your local Catholic church," encouraged Fr. Lombardi. "It's never been a better time to switch."

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