SEATTLE, WA—Miners working for Starbucks have confirmed an exciting discovery: vast swathes of pumpkin spice buried deep beneath the earth, just under the coffee company’s Seattle headquarters.
The valuable spice is thought to be deposited by giant, killer earthworms known to roam the rocks and dirt throughout the Pacific Northwest. The rare, mesmerizing substance reportedly glows an orangeish hue, and has been described by some as potentially addicting.
“We sent our teams of spice harvesters out to collect the pumpkin spice, so the middle-class women of America will be appeased,” Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson said in a press conference Friday. “The pumpkin spice must flow.”
“He who controls the pumpkin spice controls the 18-40 female market demographic,” he added, his eyes radiating with a mysterious orange tint.
At publishing time, spice harvester crews had discovered ample deposits of peppermint mocha.